Am I Bisexual?

messy thoughts

Emma is the editor & creator (and occasionally writer) for The Messy Heads. She enjoys yellow curry, print media, and singing to herself.

Sexuality, especially in America, is so suppressed. We are founded from a puritan society. A history of women as property with celibacy reigning supreme for young girls auctioned off to 40 year old men. Hundreds of years later, the same dynamic still whispers in the background. A dialogue of women being coined sluts for being sexual. A dialogue of men being applauded for engaging in sexual behaviors. Where virginity is an emblem of purity for women and a token of shame for men. One gender urged to keep theirs and the other urged to cast theirs away as soon as possible.

Portable Network Graphics image-9436F287D332-1

How do we step back from this weird power struggle over sex between genders and focus on sex with the self. Sexual identity should be a precursor to having sex, but it almost never is. At least for me, I was so detached from my own sexuality when I became sexually active. I had barely considered that I might be attracted to multiple genders or *gasp* not attracted to men.

Portable Network Graphics image-8FA0A53BEBC9-1

We are often sexualized before we get the chance to be sexual. From an early age girls start to feel their worth as defined in the eyes of a man. Any female ever has experienced this on some level.

I saw sex as an act and not an extension of myself, my desires, and my identity.

It has taken me so so long to even begin to think about what my sexual preference is because I have always been commodifying myself for men in a sense. It’s always automatically assumed that you are straight. Almost all mainstream media is exclusively male-female relationships. Thankfully that has changed in the past few years, but growing up I never saw a character that liked their own gender. Or multiple genders. Or maybe didn’t experience any attraction at all.

Portable Network Graphics image-544812BFF92D-1

Then introduces the concept of “coming out”. Where you have to let people know that you aren’t straight, because that’s the automatic assumption. That one day we have to define our sexual parameters to family and friends and stick to those.

But sexuality is fluid, as I’m sure you have heard a thousand times before. It’s impossible to stick a buoy in a churning ocean and declare that no waves will pass by this point, and the tide will never rise or lower. Our emotions change on a daily basis. Our feelings towards people change on a daily basis. Attraction is an emotional experience, which we have very few words to properly define. Emotions are meant to be felt and expressed and not trapped in a single word.

Portable Network Graphics image-CD061ACE3863-1

I personally hesitate to define myself at all. Even though I have liked both genders, I accept that it may not be the case for my present or for my future self. I leave the doors open to whoever or whatever may happen in my life. If I were to set a definition on my sexuality, it would mean that I had figured it out and was done searching that part of myself, and I definitely have not.

Defining your sexuality however can be crucial to finding who you are. It can help your friends and family have a better understanding of you and give you the proper support you need. Even simply saying “I don’t identify as straight” can stop people from making assumptions. You can find accepting groups and people who are going through similar experiences. If you identify as LGBTQ+ that is amazing, but also leave yourself some room to extend beyond a definition. You are human and our experiences are so malleable. Live your fullest and be proud of yourself for being your most authentic self.

Sister Corita Kent

Sister Corita Kent

Here is a brief crash course in sexuality in case you have never been told that there is more out there than gay or straight- way more. An entire spectrum of sexuality. I kept them short & sweet to be more open instead of more definitive.

Straight: A person who experiences attraction to their opposite gender.

Gay: A person who experiences attraction to their same gender. 

Bisexual: A person who experiences attraction to 2+ genders.

Pansexual: A person who experiences attraction to people regardless of gender idenitty or expression

Asexual:  A person who doesn’t experience sexual attraction to anyone

Demisexual: A person who doesn’t experience sexual attraction to anybody unless a strong emotional connection is present. 

Fluid: A person who experiences change in preference or attraction 




  1. Sofia says

    Loved this post! Please don’t tell people that the definition of bisexuality is being attracted to men & women like it’s a fact though. I myself identify as bi and constantly hear that my identity is transphobic because of leaving out non-binary people. Personally I’m pretty sure I can get attracted to any gender, not just male or female, which make a lot people tell me I’m really pansexual. But I’m not. Nothing about pansexuality makes me think of myself. I don’t see attraction “regardless of gender”, gender is actually a huge part of how I… like see people?? (only when I see them in relation to myself! Which sexual attraction and romance obviously is) Idk its kind of hard to describe this without sounding like I’m stuck in a thinking of gender roles and shit like that (it’s not what it’s about). Anyway, a lot of the bisexual community has been trying to change this definition for years to “better” ones. I know for example that the state of Sweden (where I’m from) defines bisexuality as being attracted to all genders. I define my own bisexuality as being attracted to same & other genders. 🙂

  2. This is so beautiful!! It’s actually what I really needed to hear right now because I’m questioning my sexuality and feeling the pressure to figure it out.

  3. This is so amazing! thank you! I always kinda felt like sexuality at least for me is a lot more difficult and abstract than people make it to be. and it’s like why, why do we have to catogorize everything, to even go as far as sexuality. putting people in boxes for everything.
    just let me be man! I’m still young and I’m figuring stuff out but I shouldn’t feel stressed about this kinda stuff, that’s me. I’ve only felt “that way” about guys but that way is not the only way you can feel either, it’s just the most common and recognisable way. I’ve felt this “weird way” around some girls, it’s not like butterflies in stomach and blood pumping It’s more like ‘wow you’re really intressting’ but like with something else that i can’t explain. and I always feel like i need to explain myself and go along when people are so sure that I’m straight. I’m also the “weirdo girl” who said ‘ya know I don’t think it’s bad if you talk about your sexuality or sexual things, guys do it all the time and have a kind of pride in it too, why shouldn’t we as young women talk about it; You masturbate fucking awesome for you, it’s amazing. we all know you’re thinkin it;” and they just stared like they were mind blown for someone not judging them on what they’re feeling.
    p.s sorry this is so long i really felt and loved this post, i love this blog xx

  4. Anonymous says

    this is so great. I just wanted to add another sexuality to the list because it doesn’t get much recognition.
    Aromantic- a person who does not experience romantic attraction.

  5. Anonymous says

    Thanks Emma, this completely expresses what I have been feeling and questioning about sexuality, mine and the stigma around it. I think it is such an individual thing and is so hard to define and is always changing. Thanks for opening up conversation and accepting differing sexuality.

  6. Anonymous says

    Good article Emma as always. Well for me this year I started questioning myself about my sexuality and I feel bad epople are presuring as to label ourselves, I just like people you know, I don’t want to be somthing certain, I’m attracted to someone beacuse of themselves not because of their gender. 🙂

  7. Wow, seriously this is just what I needed to hear. I am also questioning my sexuality, feeling like I may be bi, or fluid… and it’s actually kinda scary for me. I worry about it. But this is so nice to read and to know that I am not alone!

  8. Hannah Deane says

    This is probably my favorite article you’ve written. Love you <3

  9. I love, love, love this post! I have always identified as straight, however over the past year I’ve really began to explore my sexuality and the different possibilities that are associated with it and it’s such an incredible exploration! Thank you so much for writing this x

  10. Anonymous says

    My issue growing up was not expressing myself to my friends because the fear of sounding gay. I’m straight (i labeled myself oh no) but I always held back when I wanted to compliment my friends or admit i like something or admire someone who identifies as gay. Now if I want to tell my friends I love them or I love their outfit I just do it. I’m secure in my sexuality and don’t care so much what others think. Reading these blogs certainly opens my mind more, so THANK YOU 😉

  11. Summer says

    !!!!hi I just read this post and I am so in love with your words and message. I am personally questioning my sexuality, and this has really helped! I would love to hear more of your thoughts about this, like another post/blog about sexuality. You seriously have amazing insight and I am so grateful. So many readers benefit from this type of post—it’s so relevant to our day and age! Thank you, thank you! You are a gift. SO much love for you. <3

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *