Has she ever Masturbated?

messy thoughts

Sometimes, I’ll see a girl in public and ask myself, “Has she ever masturbated?” I wonder this out of nothing more than genuine curiosity. It’s funny though, because I only do this to other women. I’ve never seen a guy in public and asked myself that question. I’ve always just assumed that all boys do…simply, because they are boys.

Neither my mother nor my father gave me the “sex talk” growing up. So, they definitely never gave me the “self sex talk.” I’m not sure that even exists. I think that’s why I’m here. A self sex talk should exist. Self exploration is a normal, natural, and healthy life practice. Yet, I could count on a single hand everyone I’ve openly discussed this with.

My first experience feeling sexual was sometime in elementary school. There was a show on The N called Beyond the Break and I remember getting this weird feeling every time there was a make-out scene. I found pleasure in watching these people kiss, but I also felt a bit naughty. Anytime I thought my parent’s were about to walk in my room, I would change the channel faster than I could blink my eyes. I remember actively questioning whether this feeling was taboo.

In 9th grade, I was sitting in a hammock with my friends at a BBQ. One of them asked the rest of us if we’ve ever had “me time.” I was shocked to find out I was the ONLY one who hadn’t. Everyone began bonding over the times their parents almost caught them, the strange things they had used as makeshift sex toys, and whether doing it in the shower was better or worse than in bed. How could I have gone all this time without ever trying to touch myself? I felt like such a late bloomer. I felt like I’d missed out on an exclusive club. So you know what? I went home that night and I did it. I just got it over with. You want to know how it was? Absolutely uneventful. I was so uncomfortable and new to the idea of loving my body in a sexual way that I couldn’t relax myself enough to reap any of the benefits of masturbation. So, I gave up for a while.

When I was 18, I became a whole lot more sexual. I had been dating a guy for a couple years, and I had become completely comfortable with my sexuality and my sex life. Once I graduated, I moved across the country. My relationship became an LDR, and I was no longer able to have sex at the snap of my fingers. So, when I would get a little turned on, I would go with it. I explored my body without anyone else around and I began to love it. It was not anything like my 9th grade experience. This time I felt confident. This time I felt sexy.

There’s not a lot of solid information available to guide us in the direction of where, when, and how to start. For some of you, this article may be first you’ve read on the topic. The most important variable in the equation is comfortability. When you’re first starting out, switch up what you’re doing each time to find out what you like.

Women tend to be more romantic, so feel free to treat yourself to a little romance. Light some candles. Play some music. Close your eyes. Sex doesn’t necessarily mean penetration. That’s limiting yourself. Sex comes in too many forms. Simply explore your body with intention to seek pleasure.

Masturbation isn’t and shouldn’t be something to feel awkward or guilty about. It’s natural and healthy. It can improve your self image and your sex life. It teaches you what you like in bed, and what brings YOU pleasure. There’s no right or wrong way to do it, just go with what feels good. Moreover, if there’s something you’ve found really works, share it with your friends! The stigma of female masturbation isn’t going to disappear if we as women don’t start talking about it openly and freely.

*photos taken cred to Pansy

Lexie is a lives in Santa Monica spending her days filming videos for her YouTube channel, walking dogs, or running errands on her skateboard. Find her: Instagram // Youtube



  1. Anonymous says

    I honestly have tried doing some me time, I try so hard to think about it in a more positive way. Like this will relax me and bring me pleasure and wash away all of the nagativity of my day but each time I end up feeling very guilty and disturbed. I am Christian and they say this is a sin.

    • If you don’t feel comfortable, don’t do it! Although there is no need for feeling guilty, you can find other ways to relax and love yourself, ways which make you feel good in every way.

    • Abigail says

      I grew up Christian and I would still call myself a Christian kinda I’m more spiritual though more open minded to other cultures and stuff.. I believe your thoughts are who u are, or helps makes u discover ur inner self. Church ppl just make u scared, don’t listen to them listen to yourself if u want to experience something then do it. But if ur not comfortable and still feel guilty then don’t do it.. Sexual feeling should be natural you shouldn’t have to think about it too hard! So when ur comfortable then do yo thing girl 🌞

    • Marissa says

      Yeah I think religious gilt has a lot to do with masturbation because I’m in the same boat! I’ve never masturbated and I think it’s because I was brought up to be super religious. (I’ve also never really felt the need to, which is fine like whatever) but I don’t think I would ever because of that fear, you know?

  2. Anonymous says

    Im a late bloomer too and didnt try it til 17. And felt shameful- mostly because of the person I was thinking of during. Like i corrupted my love for them. I fall hard for somebody I dont want to think about anyone else during. good article thank you 🙂

  3. Jordan says

    First off, I just want to say thank you Lexie for addressing this and letting people know it is okay to masturbate! I remember in high school feeling so ashamed for doing it because any time my friends would talk about it they would say how it’s gross or not okay for girls to do. I feel like it’s so important for young girls to realize it is so natural and healthy to explore your own body! If you don’t then how will you know what’s comfortable for you? Love this piece and love you Lexie!! I follow you on all social media and I’m honestly convinced you are my long lost twin lmao #stopvaginashaming2016

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  5. Anonymous says

    Luckily my mother gave us the sex talk/self-love talk, since she knew our school would give shitty sex education (which they did. For the girls, it was a slideshow on STIs and teen pregnancy, meanwhile the boys got the porn talk/masturbation talk.) I’m not sure if it correlates with the fact that I started a lot earlier than most of my friends (14), while they (at 17/18/19 and didn’t get the self-love talk) have only just started to have “me time” or just talk about it. To some people I talk about it with, they think it’s weird how open or comfortable I am about discussing it, but even me, who seems to be “too comfortable”, blushed bright red recently when buying a vibrator. (The lady behind the counter was really nice and casual about it, though.) So thanks for this article, because I really think this needs to be talked about more openly.

  6. everytime i see a girl walking down the street i assume they masturbate because where I’m from we have a saying: “if you aren’t jerking off, thats pretty weird and honestly its like the best thing after sex which is like the best thing so wtf r u doing then?”

    • On a possibly more observational note, i remember being 11 at a summer camp and talking with a group of female counselors and they asked me if i had masturbated. I was like really uncomfortable because they were older girls and i knew at home no one cared but i was in a different place and i was just nervous to be honest. None the less, i took the hard route and said “yeah.” and then they all said i was gross and my reputation flipped from being the ‘cool’ kid to being the one bullied. But now I’m older, and have the self assuredness to probably laugh out loud if somebody criticized me for such things.

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  8. Anon says

    I loved this article right up until you said that women like it more romantic. That is straight up just a gender stereotype. I’m sure there are women out there who do enjoy that (which is totally fine) but that’s acting like women can’t get down and dirty too. It’s so important to get over this idea that women’s sexuality is dainty and fragile. Let’s get real women can be sexual beasts as much as any other person! This is nothing personal at all I just see this too often and needed to vent, everything else was really wonderful.

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