messy thoughts
Comments 8

I Did Something A Bit Different Yesterday

By Hugo

Imagine reading the newspaper. The article details a government killing people like you, and even worse, the rest of the world seems relatively passive.

Imagine turning on the TV to see a man who scorns people like you. This man is a politician, well-respected, the president of the United States.

Imagine hearing all your friends using words such as “faggots” or “pansy” to insult and make fun of each other.

Imagine not being able to listen to hip-hop or rap without hearing slurs against who you are, or watching movies full of stereotypes that are so far away from the truth (what the fuck is “GBF” ?).

Those are, among plenty other ones, examples of problems I, and every LGBTQ+ person faces every single day.  They are the consequences of a society where hyper-masculinity and hyper-feminity are the most accepted model. Where hate and mockery is trivialized against people who do not fit this mold.

There is still a lot of work to do.

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I am eighteen and I am gay. It took me so long to admit it, so long to not be ashamed about it, and to stop crying every evening, thinking I was a monster.

I would write in my journal about how I felt wrong (everyone is straight, everyone is saying that being gay is a disease, I can’t be like this, no, I can ’t !) and tried to cope with this feeling by forcing myself to love girls and by numbing my emotions.

I tried to be someone I wasn’t and me, my family and my friends got hurt. The problem isn’t homosexuality, being trans, queer, or any other shade of different. It comes from society itself, and how people are expected to be a certain way. 

Because of the rhetoric surrounding gay people, I thought that my parents would abandon me if they found out who I am, so I hid. I silenced myself.

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I was 12. As plenty others did, I got bullied, I got kicked, I heard atrocious things about myself. They even made a Facebook page, telling me to kill myself. 

It took me three years to accept myself, to be fully myself. To let myself love boys, to let myself be feminine, to let myself feel free. It was a really hard process. 

When I accepted myself, I started to feel stronger, more determined. I started signing petitions for my rights, started looking for local events to use my voice for the LGBTQ+ movement.

While I am writing this, gay men are tortured and killed in Chechnya.The police instruct families to KILL their gay children. And I don’t see any western government doing anything about this.

There is so much to fight for. How many times have I been told to stop being so dramatic? — “You guys can marry, isn’t that already something?”

How many people out there still look at gay men as guys who will try to make out with every damn boy they encounter, and think of lesbians more of a porn category than totally normal humans? 

I get anxious when I go to parties: are the people there homophobic? Will they mock me? Am I putting myself in physical danger? I still hold back from being myself when I’m around people I don’t know. How many insults and hashtags do I see on twitter per week telling how wrong we are, that we have to kill ourselves ? This is why every “you fag!” hurts, why there are still so many young girls and boys out there hiding from themselves.

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We have to support each other. If you question your sexuality, if you are ashamed because you feel like you do not fit, if you are lost, just know that, as cheesy as it may sound, you are not alone.

You are a part of a community that is admittedly hurt and criticized, but stronger that you could ever imagine. What reunites each other is love. When we aren’t afraid to be our true selves, we understand that love has no rules, no limits.

We are going to fight with a power that surpasses any weapons, any insults.

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Yesterday, I came out to my mother and my step-father.

We are going to fight by staying proud.

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Hugo lives in a small village in France. He is moving to London next September to study liberal arts and become a journalist. He is really into arts, politics, and activism. 

8 Comments

  1. Wow. This isn’t so beautiful and empowering, you seem absolutely wonderful Hugo thank you for sharing your story and viewpoints on all of this I personally agree with everything you said. I personally still figuring out who I am in every sense but I’m especially lost when it comes to defining (or at least understanding) my sexual preference. And I know that’s okay but sometimes it is hard, as of this point in my life a girl of 18 almost 19 years old just beginning to discover life and herself I’m pretty confident that I am pansexual but am not 100% confident in that or sharing that with others. So for now that is out little secret until the day comes where I can be as brace as you Hugo and all the others in the world. Sending everyone endless love and support, I hope life treats you well and you remain strong through it all. xoxo

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  2. I was just looking through your blog (once again) and then saw THIS and realized that I actually kind of know Hugo and that he used to be a friend of a friend that made an exchange week in France, this written so beautifully and again I realize how small the world is

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  3. Katherine says

    I’m laying in bed sobbing now. I was thinking today about how maybe no one will ever love me because I’m so hard to love, being asexual and lesbian. To find the perfect person seems impossible.
    I digress.
    I wish I could change things, wish I knew ways to help. And a real change, not just a change of phrase. I wish we could change the hardwiring of society, fix the mistakes that centuries of ignorance and cruelty have imposed on people who want nothing more than to love, and be loved.

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  4. Gjori says

    Stunningly worded and very touching. I have not yet come out to my parents, because I am terrified of how they will react. I know they will still love me, but they do tell me how they think it’s unnatural and they often wrinkle their nose, in what I believe to be disgust, when we talk about the LGBT+ community. I never understood why the world can’t just love each other and be kind even though we’re different. You’re very brave Hugo and I hope you’re doing well. ❤

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  5. Anonymous says

    Being gay and living in a homophobic household, this really got to me. What a beautifully written blog post. Thank you so much for sharing this. ❤

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