Staring at the Ceiling—Sexuality Series

Sexuality Series

What do you think when you’re all alone, in your bed, listening to music starring at the ceiling?

Here are my thoughts, raw and real. The stories that all the voices in my head tell me every day. Some are good, some are bad.

23 years on earth and still no clue how the fuck it works.

But, if by any chance, this helps you, please come and join me in staring at the ceiling.

Currently in the sort-of-countryside in France, I’m staying at one of my best friend’s home before going back to the city.

She is writing an article on the importance of language in regards to gender and LGBT+ community. I’m impressed. And here’s me, writing about Love.

Love. Being in love. Loving someone. Hurt. Being hurt. Hurting someone.

Why do I think about the end when I’m in an intimate relationship?

Is it really what they say? That I just protect myself? I don’t know. I’m not sure. Maybe I’m protecting people from my feelings? What I know is that Love is one of the most dangerous feelings to me. It’s something that I was afraid of growing up.

Until the end of High School, I was the girl that loved “love”. Not in a cheesy way. Just the girl that was in love 365 days a year and loving the butterfly feeling that comes with it.

In the past 4/5 years, I’ve changed. Maybe it’s because of something that happened, but I don’t think those changes came from heartbreaks. Rather, from adventures, growing up, and experiencing life.

The thing is that I want more. Always. And I’m afraid. Always.

now playing: little of your love – haim

My sixteen little sister once came into my room and told me, “You need to let people in. You can’t keep building walls between you and the one you love. It’s going to be okay, you’re safe.”

Maybe she’s right, I am safe.

Does love hurt? Yes.

Is love worth it? Sometimes.

Do I regret It? Not a single bit.

Since the beginning of our teenage years, love has always been a priority. Whether you wanted a relationship for love, to be cool, to remedy the fact that you haven’t had sex yet, because you felt alone, you were the only single one of your friends.  Love seems to be a priority in our lives.

That’s just it. And that’s why LOVE is the most portrayed feeling in movies, music, books, paintings. It’s something that is meant to be bigger than us and beautiful. Often embellished.

now playing: somebody else – the 1975

Love is just like faith. You can believe in God, the Universe, Animals. Just like faith, love is something very personal. Nobody can understand how it really works because we are all beautifully different. Only on our own can decide when we are ready to experience this bigger feeling. Love can’t be rushed. Don’t try to impress.

I’m 23 years old, in love and I can tell you, the wait was worth it.

Find Ambre: @ambsfactory

3 Comments

  1. Aisling Gogan says

    Reading these words was like reading my thoughts out loud. As someone who loves “love” but can often struggles with opening up to new people, I can defiantly relate. I feel that it’s as if I am scared of the feeling I crave the most in this world. True love. I am still a strong believer that it exists along with other love phenomenons like “love at first sight” and the “soulmate”. These occurrences cannot be mathematically or scientifically proven. Love is bigger than what we know. It is something we feel, see, and live yet cannot narrow down into a single sentence. It is a force which guides our decision making and can lead us blindly into an abyss. It can hurt and break and end. It leaves us vulnerable. We give into love. But even aches and wounds left by love teach us some of the most crucial and important lessons necessary to any human being. Compassion, self-love, strength, healing, passion, inspiration, reaching a new emotional depth and pleasure.

    The fear which comes before the love is the anticipation of every feeling and aspect which lingers afterwards. Its the fear of falling which stops love from flourishing. Think of falling from a building. Your standing on the edge looking down at the person who’s love you are afraid to fall into. If you never fall you have closed that book entirely. You’ll never know how the love may end. If you fall, even if it turns out badly at least you wont make the same choices next time you fall. And next time you fall you know you’ll be stronger.

    I am so happy that at 23 you found love. That’s amazing!! I wish you all the best xoxoxo

    Btw this is coming form someone who’s never truly been in love so don’t take this advice. I have no experience. Only the advice I give myself before things happen. lol.

    Just an opinion,

    Aisling

  2. Lili Gray says

    Hello,normally ive been reading alot themessyheads,and normally everytime i read it,it makes me feel concious more open to things that i do think of but try to run away,ive never really been in love but i always wonder if i ever will,and who will i fall into?,things that i will have to be patient and wait for the answer.But,I always keep thinking and at the end,I have been in love,Love can come in many ways,to different people,Well mine is to my family and friends people i can count on,When im sad or blue they´ll always try hard to make me smile.So i guess i have been in love,a love that i know i have fallen into since forever and one that has rough things but has a special rope that keeps us together.To those who might say They have never been in love,normally they say its ¨love as in liking someone.¨ But really if you have friends and family you love,theres no doubt you have been in love,and it´s a relationship you might never leave.

    Just an opinion ofc,

    Keep posting!! i really love your posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *