I have lived my entire life surrounded by conservative people. I was told I had to like boys and only boys, and if I liked a girl, it was a sin, it was unnatural. Their words tattooed themselves on my eyelids and heart, so every time I closed my eyes I could read them and every time my heart would beat I could hear them.
Last year, I liked a girl for the first time, she was my first real crush, she was the first person to ever make me feel like it was possible to go a little mad from so much loving. She was an odd girl, looking at her was like watching a garden bloom during winter, she was so many things at once, I could never understand her. I used to hold her hand all the time, and she would just smile thinking it was a platonic thing to do, and I thought so too until I couldn’t stop thinking how her lips would feel if I pressed them against mine. I thought about that so much, I had to listen to music as loud as humanly possible to drown out my thoughts, or the guilt I felt while thinking about her would drown me. It felt like someone had made a knot on my throat and my heart was going to burst, my eyes would cry out everything that I couldn’t say, my hands started to shake hesitantly before holding hers. I became so bitter, I was angry at the world for being so unfair. I don’t remember a day that I didn’t wonder if I was disgusting or sick, I don’t remember a day that I didn’t doubt in the existence of a God that was entirely good. It reached a point where I opened my mouth to speak but my words would trip over each other, there was so much inside my mind it started to feel as if my head was full with cotton.
One afternoon, I finally decided to tell my best friend, I was hesitant. Her words were sweet and sad, she had to remind me that I could trust her and that she would love me unconditionally. The knot on my throat loosened up a little, and it felt like I could speak again. I knew that I had to tell the girl that I had feelings for her, and I did. She was so flattered and shocked in a good way, it made my hands go cold and sweaty. Seeing how my friends and my first crush reacted, gave me a little hope on how this world is not only hate, they made me feel worthy again. And in those two girls that were the most important people in my life at the moment, I found something worth believing in.