Staring at the ceiling—thanks to my insecurities.

messy thoughts, muses

What do you think when you’re all alone, in your bed, listening to music starring at the ceiling?

Here are my thoughts, raw and real. The stories that all the voices in my head tell me every day. Some are good, some are bad.

23 years on earth and still no clue how the fuck it works.

But, if by any chance this helps you, please come and join me in staring at the ceiling.

At first, this piece was supposed to be called “Thanks to my flaws.” The more I was trying to type, the more I felt that something was off. What are flaws? For example, a shirt can have flaws if it doesn’t match the original draw of a designer. A piece of furniture can have flaws too if, I don’t know, a door is broken. In order to have flaws, you first must be meant to be a certain way…Which is impossible for any living form. Saying to somebody that she/he is flawless is inaccurate because being flawed is, in fact, totally normal. We are not meant to be a standard form.

Insecurities are, on the other hand, things that bother us—that make us uncomfortable. They’re (sometimes) things we wish we could change.

I’ve had this draft for at least two months on my phone. But I didn’t feel like I was ready to write it, share it, or express it with complete honesty. The last few weeks have been crazy rough.
I needed to feel at least a little better to be real about my words.

Right now, I’m @ a cafe called Soul Kitchen in Paris, my beautiful city. A little bit sad that I didn’t get an outside table because I’m sitting in front of a mirror. How ironic. I’m staring at my biggest insecurity.

Being confident. Loving and embracing yourself is not an easy thing to do. Not impossible but difficult. It’d be a wrong for me to say that I am confident and 100% happy with myself and my skin. But what I can say is that, despite all my ups and down, I’m fucking lucky to be born in this body, this rocket ship. The only thing that is certain is that I wouldn’t be the person I am today If I didn’t go through my shit.

I feel the need to get this off my chest in order to not leave this topic blurry. What I feel most insecure about is my weight. My weight has always been the main source of my uncomfortableness and, on second thought, my weakness. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been bullied and mocked. I have always felt different and like I am not where I belong. Most people don’t understand how being overweight and living in a society where everything “should be” and “is” skinnier and normal-ish is difficult. It’s not just about the looks that I get—it’s everything. From trying on clothes at a thrift store to sitting at a table in an armchair to laying on the grass. It’s all of daily life that is impacted.

Insecurities take the most out of us. Our minds do that. That little voice in our head that tells us, “Don’t do that, people are gonna think blah-blah-blah.” Being the outsider, the strange one, the “atypical” one (as they say) changes you, and you start to think that you are not good enough.

Once you grow up, you understand that people don’t pay attention to your flaws because they are minding their own insecurities. And yes, it’s hard, but overcoming those little thoughts is the easier part. Trust me.

So why am I thankful?

I am a unique soul. I’m the only pilot of my rocket ship. What’s on my mind is mine and what I want to do with my body, too, is up to me. Once I discovered who I truly was, everything was clearer.

Thanks to the one that bullied me when I was just a little girl; you made me stronger and helped me build bigger shoulders. Thanks to my mom who has taught me that I am beautiful no matter what; I now know that beauty comes in every shape, color, and size. Thanks to my former dance teacher who taught me I could be as good as everybody. Thanks to my not-so-friends for making me realize who I really am and that I deserve better. Thanks for the mockery; I know now how to defend myself with smarter words. Thanks to my stretch marks; I am now a tiger. Thanks to my big thighs; you made me a good ass. Thanks to all the tears I dried; I have become more aware. Thanks to all my negative thoughts; you made me care less and live more. Thanks to my belly and tall height; I’ve never been more proud to be noticed.

Thanks to my insecurities; you’ve made me a passionate and hardworking girl who is not afraid to say what is on her mind. You’ve taught me kindness and compassion, and you’ve taught me how to appreciate every single bit of myself.

It hurts to keep up with who I am but, even in my darkest times, I’m thankful to be me.
What about you ?

4 Comments

  1. This is such a beautiful way of thinking, I can relate to this a lot!
    I believe that self love is a journey that we all need to go through in order to be happy with ourselves. It’s important to accept things that we can’t change, to accept ourselves as we are. We should all be thankful of the body we’ve been given and see how beautiful it actually is.

    Love,
    Cadmium red
    http://cadmiumxred.blogspot.fr

  2. Yes! Definitely. This was so beautiful and raw. From one’s soul to others. Thank you for sharing. I wish there were more people that I knew that I could talk about anything and everything. A messyhead friend. <3 I feel I can relate to this community more than any other and finally find words, poems, art that express what I feel inside. In this community I don't feel like I have to change, I am perfect as I am. I don't feel I have to hide anything. Thank you for that. I hope I can someday get to know some amazing individuals from this community. I'd love to connect with some of you.

    Love,
    May

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *